... I never was a man.

[Maxwell Green]

Her appearance was vivid.

He face was angelic.

Her skin was radiant.

Her eyes were beautiful.

Oh, how beautiful she was.

He remembered her, laying there on the cold floor.

How pale she looked.

How sick. How lifeless.

How far away.

Maxwell Green lay in his bed, tears falling slowly from his eyes, sobbing into his pillow, though he was not yet concious of his actions. His memories haunted him through these horrible dreams, these nightmares. His stomach churned as he began to feel nausious. He called out her name helplessly, begging, hoping, pleaing, praying for a response. It was just a dream. April couldn't be gone. She couldn't be...

Suddenly, Max jolted awake, sweat falling from his head, his eyes red and teary. He sat up slowly, his breathing heavy. He shook violently, as if he was frightened, or deeply upset. He looked around the room, his tormented and disturbed eyes frantic and panicky. Sickness and sorrow washed over his frail, weak body. He buried his head in his hands, crying softly.

Just make her smile come back and shine, just like it used to be. How could he have let this happen to her? How could he let her die? Two questions Max asked himself over and over again, though he could never come up with an answer. He felt alone... oh, so alone. He didn't want to be here anymore, he no longer felt he had the strength to walk the earth without her... without April. His heart was heavy with anguish and agony. It was as bad as the day he had found her, lying there... dead.

He shook his head, pulling his hands away from his face, sighing deeply. His mouth was dry, his body feeling sick. He looked greatly distraught, the expression over his face forlorn and helpless. He stood up slowly, his head hanging low as he tried to stop himself from crying. He wiped his eyes, trying to push the thoughts of her away... I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head.

But he couldn't forget her. As hard as he tried, as much as he wanted it to, the pain would never stop. The tortorous truth hit him hard, making his heart sink. The pain of her death would never stop. The images were ingrained in his mind, replaying over and over in his head. It was his own fault she was dead. He should've convinced her to quit, to stop taking those drugs. He should've gotten to her sooner... If he wasn't such a screw up, maybe April would still be alive.

He ran his hands through his messy, black hair, shaking his head slowly once more. Maybe it was good she was dead... it meant she was far away from this !@#$%^ up kid like Maxwell Green. He tried to imagine what she was thinking now, where she was. He wondered what she would say to him now. Maybe now that she's dead she'll realize what a mistake she made spending her time with such a horrible person like himself. Hate me today... hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you. Hate me in ways, ways hard to swallow... hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you.

Max bit his lip nervously, his hands still shaking as he lowered them to his side. He made his way into the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror. His black hair was a mess and his eyes wer bloodshot. Black eyeliner was smeared over his face, and his cheeks were wet with sweat and tears. He wasn't sure how much longer he could take this... all this torment and suffering. He wasn't sure how much longer he could live without her. He rested his hands on the sink, leaning forward as he took a deep breath. This had to stop. He couldn't go on like this. He closed his eyes, turning his head in the opposite direction. He opened them once more, the razor sitting on the edge of the sink beside his hand catching his eye... Suddenly, it looked rather friendly.

[Marie Lynn]

Marie sat down on her bed. She held the silver phone up to her ear. Ring! Ring! Ring! She listened to the sound over and over again. She had been worried about Max for a while now. Ever since she met him, she had been worried for his saftey. She sighed, standing up. Marie started to pace back and forth. No one was answering. Maybe he's sleeping. She thought to herself. She didn't know why Max didn't answer, but the level of her worry and stress continued to rise with every Ring! She ran her fingers though her soft, dark brown hair waiting for someone to answer the phone.

[Maxwell Green]

Max jumped in surprise at the sound of the phone ringing in the other room. He looked around, as if unsure where exactly the noise was coming from, though he knew perfectly well. He took one more glance toward the razor before huffing, walking off into the living room... well, maybe it was more of his bedroom and a living room combined, but that didn't really matter much at the moment. There were more important things on Max's mind.

He picked up the sleek, black cell phone sitting on the corner of the nightstand beside his bed, flipping it open. He ran his fingers though his hair anxiously, tapping his foot on the ground. Well, this better be good. "What?" He asked, his voice sounding depressed and slightly irritated. He didn't want to talk to anyone right now, unless it happened to be April, but, he knew that wasn't happening anytime soon... unless...

Max looked down at the nightstand once more, taking notice of the packet of cigarettes beside the lamp. He picked it up, holding the phone between his ear and shoulder. He opened it, holding it upside down and shaking it. Nothing came out. Empty. He sighed unhappily in displeasure. "!@#$..." He muttered under his breath, walking over to the dresser. He opened the first drawer and dug through it, finally finding another packet after what seemed like hours of searching.

His mind reeled. He wanted it to stop. He needed to smoke, he needed a cigarette. He needed to relax, he need to calm his mind. He took a lighter from the back pocket of his dark blue jeans, opening it and lighting the cigarette quickly. He held the thin, white and yellow cigarette between his fingers, staring at it, as if he was debating on smoking it or not. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea... Before he could put anymore thought into it, as if on command, he put the cigarette between his lips, closing his eyes. He inhaled slowly, savoring the sensations that filled his body.

[Marie Lynn]

"Max?!" Marie said quietly, as someone finally picked up the phone. She heard Max's voice and it sounded like something was wrong. "I..I.." She broke off. She had no clue what to say. She moved over to her bed and sat down, putting her free hand in her lap. She looked down at the ground and sighed. Marie wished that she was with Max right now, but she could tell that something was up. She needed to make sure that he was okay.

[Maxwell Green]

Max?! Max pulled the cigarette out of his mouth and exhaled slowly as he heard the female's voice speak his name. He recognized it suddenly, but he wasn't sure if he had the strength or the will inside him to speak to her. He bit his lip, thinking for a moment before he sighed impatiently. "Yeah? What do you need, Marie?" He finally asked, leaning his hip on the side of the dresser, putting the cigarette back into his mouth again. His heart ached. Well, he really screwed up this time. Making out with a girl he barely knew when he was clearly not all right in his head at the moment, and his whole situation with April was not yet squared away in his heart.

I..I.. Max shook his head as she studdered. He took the cigarette out of his mouth once more, "What is it, Marie?" He asked, slightly concerned, though he most definitely sounded distracted. He looked down, then back up in front of him. He needed to calm down, but it was hard when you were practically dying inside from something that happened over two years ago.

[Marie Lynn]

"I..I just wanted to make sure you were o..I just wanted to talk t..I don't know." She said, breaking off quite a few times. She sighed, a frown on her face. She truthfully had no reason for calling Max. Her hand moved up to her forehead as she rubbed it. She didn't think before she had called Max. Did I want to check up on him? Did I want to just talk to him? She asked herself these questions and many others over and over again, slipping away into her own world. The memories came flooding back. The kisses. The hugs. The love. The feelings. Everything else. Marie sighed again, dropping her hand to the bed.

[Maxwell Green]

I..I just wanted to make sure you were o..I just wanted to talk t..I don't know. Max once more took the cigarette in between his middle and index finger and sighed. He never really liked talking on the phone. It made him feel awkward and stupid since he could never think of anything to say. Not like talking face-to-face with someone made him feel any different, though. He crossed his arms over his chest, holding the phone between his ear and shoulder as he had before. Well, they had barely said anything and Max already didn't know what the heck to say to her. Great. Today was turning out to be just wonderful.

[Marie Lynn]

"Max? Are you okay?" She asked, thinking if that is what she really wanted to say. She knew that he was doing something else besides talking to her, but she didn't know exactly what. She laid back on her bed, sighing. She wanted to be with Max. Right now, but she had no reason to be. "I guess, it's just you don't sound alright." Marie added.

[Maxwell Green]

Max? Are you okay? Max closed his eyes. Was it that obvious? He pursed his lips slowly, as if debating on an answer, though the question was simple. I guess, it's just you don't sound alright. He shook his head slowly. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine..." He said, running his hands through his hair once more. He sighed again. That was a lie. Such a !@#$%^& lie. His head was screaming the opposite. No, I'm not o-!@#$%^&-kay. I'm losing my mind because of something that happened two years ago. I'm going !@#$%^& insane. I want to die, I want to end this. Of course, Max did not have the courage to tell someone else these things. He wasn't really one for sharing his emotions, or at least emotions of sorrow. It was a touchy subject for him. "I'll be fine." He added after a long pause, sighing deeply.

[Marie Lynn]

"Are you sure? I mean, I could come over if you wanted." Maried said, slightly quick. She didn't really know if she sounded desperate to Max and she hoped that she didn't, but I guess she didn't really care. She sat up and started to pace back and forth again. Her nerves were on edge and she was ready to sprint to Max's dorm if he wanted. She doubted that he would want her there and she felt like she was annoying him. She sighed, feeling stupid and kind of unwanted.

[Maxwell Green]

Are you sure? I mean, I could come over if you wanted. Max blinked. He walked over to his bed and sat down, closing his eyes. "Yes, I'm sure." He said lethargically, putting the cigarette back into his mouth. He took it out again quickly, though, emitting grey smoke into the air around him, considering her offer about coming over to his dorm. He kind of wanted to be alone today and wallow in his misery, but he couldn't be rude and say no, no matter how cruddy he was feeling. He nodded, though he knew Marie couldn't see him. "You can stop by if you want. I don't care." He said, trying not to sound cruel or reluctant in anyway. He didn't want to upset her.

[Marie Lynn]

Marie instantly smiled. "Alright, I'll be over in a little bit then." She said, twirling her hair with her finger. She ran over to her closet, looking at what she had hanging up. "Well, I'm going to go then and I'll talk to you in a few." She said, giggling a little. She said goodbye and hung up, throwing her phone onto her bed. She felt so happy and excited, like a little kid who just got ice cream. She sighed, rummaging through her drawers and closet, eventually finding a pair of light blue jeans and an aqua blue color that had gold lettering that said 'I'm With The Band.' She quickly went into the bathroom and changed. She went to the bathroom, and washed her hands. Marie walked out of the bathroom and grabbed her white flipflops but quickly changed them with her gold ones. Her toenails were painted a light blue/aqua color. She went back into the bathroom and brushed her teeth and pulled her hair back into a golden colored scrunchy.

In about 15 minutes she had gotten ready and was walking into the Edward Dorms. She slowly walked down to Max's dorm, trying not to seem desperate. She knocked on the door when she got to the right one. She stood there, and put her cell phone into her pocket, letting her hands drop to her sides.

[Maxwell Green]

Alright, I'll be over in a little bit then Well, I'm going to go then and I'll talk to you in a few. Max nodded slowly, a blank expression over his face as he heard her hang up. He sighed, letting out his reluctance now that she wasn't able to hear him anymore. Slowly, he closed his phone, setting it back on his nightstand. He sat down on his bed, shaking his head. Well, great. Just. !@#$%^@ great. He really didn't want company today, so hopefully she wouldn't be too upset if he wasn't very cheerful today.

He stood up slowly, putting his cigarette in an ash tray on his dresser as he walked back it. At the moment, he didn't have a shirt on. It was too hot last night, so he simply got home, took off his shirt, and practically collapsed onto his bed. What did he do last night, anyway? Well, that was great. He couldn't even remember. Bar? Maybe he went to a bar with Emilie. That was probable. Or maybe he just sat at home and smoked himself out of his wallet and life. His mind felt blurry and fuzzy as lethargy washed over him. He walked into the bathroom, picking up a tube of eyeliner that sat on the rim around the sink. He opened the cap, though the razor caught his eye once more, and his movements slowed.

He looked away from it quickly. He couldn't. He wouldn't. He wasn't even sure what the !@#% thing was there. He took a deep breath, putting a bit of eyeliner under his eyes, trying to clear his mind, though his efforts were unsuccessful. He wanted the pain to go away... and the only way he knew how to make it go away was...

He shook his head, taking the razor in his hands. He paused, looking at it for a moment, his eyes serious and full of deep, complex thought. After a moment or two, he shook his head once more, walking out of his bathroom and throwing it to the floor by the door. He sighed, walked toward his closet and throwing on another shirt. Perhaps it was weird, wearing the same pants he wore last night and slept in, but Max really didn't care much at the moment. He threw on a black shirt that read 'Iron Maiden' in white letters and fancy handwriting. He walked back into the bathroom, brushing his teeth and putting in his lip and nose ring. He stared at himself, still not very happy, with his looks or his feelings. He ruffled his hair before running a brush through it, though it still looked messy and unkept. Ah, well.

He walked out, collapsing once more onto his bed, closing his eyes. He had an empty, lonely feeling in his body, and basically felt all around horrible. Though, thanks to some makeup and a brush, he looked a little more presentable. Max sighed as he heard a knock at his door. Well, hopefully this wouldn't be as bad as he made it out to be in his head.

He opened his eyes slowly, rolling off of his bed and onto his feet in a rather drownsy and unpleasant manner. He took his cigarette and put it in his mouth again, walking over to the door. He opened it, managing a small smile. He took the cigarette from his mouth, emitting a cloud of smoke into the air as he spoke. "Hey." He said softly, stepping aside so she could come in.

[Marie Lynn]

Marie smiled as Max opened the door. She looked at him and her jaw dropped. He looked horible and he was smoking. She carefully walked into the room. She had been suprised that Max looked the way he did. "Max..." She broke off looking at him. Her hands were folded together and they hung just below her stomach. Marie was extremely worried about him now. She sighed quietly, looking away from him.

[Maxwell Green]

Max sighed, narrowing his eyes narrowing faintly as he noticed her surprise. He pursed his lips as she walked into the room, pushing the door shut carelessly behind her. He leaned his back on it, crossing his arms over his chest as he put the cigarette in his mouth. Max... Max stared at her blankly, waiting for some kind of lecture on how he looked terrible and how he shouldn't be smoking at only the tender age of seventeen when he had his whole life ahead of him and a bunch of other crap Max was not in the mood to hear about right now. When you wake up crying hysterically, you're really not in the mood for much anything, really. He took the cigarette in his fingers and raised his eyebrows in question, as if waiting for her to continue.